Outlier.

I am 8 years old and I am in the 3rd grade. Today, I am bullied in the classroom and my teacher is encouraging it. I got caught picking my nose(gross…I know). I feel sad. I go to bed believing that everything will better. Today I was an outlier.

I wake up the next day and go to school and the day starts out normal. I am still friends with my most of my classmates. Now, it is the morning circle time. Everyone is getting a lecture by my teacher about how gross I am. I feel disgusted. I am an outlier.

The lecture part is over. Now, my teacher instructs everyone else in the class to form a circle around me. One of my friends trys to sit next to me. but, she gets lectured for it and I told to come back to the circle. I feel embarrassed and numb. I am an outlier.

No one plays with me at recess today. Little do I know it will be the last day anyone does. yet, I remain hopeful. I am one everyone picks on instead. I am lonely. I am the outlier.

Recess is over and when everyone goes back into the classroom. The teacher has moved my desk to the corner of the room. She does this so no one else will have to sit next to me again. It will remind there for the next 3 1/2 months until the school year is over. I am alone in a classroom full of kids. I am the outlier.

Two weeks and three days go by after that fateful day. My mother and I are heading home from my uncle’s house. We are both silent. We are in her van and I am staring out of the passenger window watching the sunset. “I will be watching you.” by The Police is playing on the radio. I will sad everytime I hear this song over the next few years. It smells of my mothers perfume and pine air freshener. This point forward I won’t be able to stand that smell. I feel a sudden very intense feeling of loneliness and emptiness coming from deep inside of me that I have never felt before. I am a social outlier.

I think that maybe after Easter break things will get better again. In fact, things get worse. All kinds of rumors have been spread about me. Now, I am being bullied and verbally abused at home as well by my brothers and even my own mother. I can’t believe even she actually believes their lies. Lies that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Everywhere i go and whatever I do. I am an outlier.

I think that that by next school year, things will get better. I have no such luck. This is my life now. Everyday’s an endless hell of bullying and emotional abuse. For now on, I also spend most of my weekends and evenings and summers in Isolation.  My grades slip and go through each school year barely passing onto the next. I feel stupid. I am an outliner.

Fast forward and it is just a few days before my 16th birthday. I decide to hang myself in my closet after hearing another one of my mother’s tirades. I tied sheets around my throat and I wrap the other side of the sheets around and hanger post. If wasn’t high enough for me to hang myself. So, I decide that I will just suffocate myself. This night will be my last night on earth no matter how long things take. I am a failure. I am an outlier of life.

As I force myself to lose air, I feel my soul leave my body. I see myself overlooking my grave site. A little voice whispers to me, “Is this really what you want?” I hear myself say, “of course not! Not yet!” AT this point i am in a blackout state. My own hands reach back to loosen the ties. I am an outlier but I am strong enough to handle anything.

My life has changed greatly since that point. But, that is another story for another time.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Outlier.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s